I want further ideas so i can add to my story. I also want some negative and positive responses.
Hated to Liked
Jeremiah Williams shot with one second left and missed. Everybody hated him he was a B team player who subbed in because the A team star was injured. He was their worst player. The next day at school people laughed at him and threw food at him in the lunch room. He went home crying. His mom told him she just got a new job and they were going to have to move. It was a new chance for him to start over. He bought new clothes and got a hair cut. He was really excited. Since basketball season just got over he had a lot of time to practice. On his first day of school he made pretty popular friends. The next week end they invited him to their house. He had a lot of fun. Everyday after school he would shoot hoop and dribbling. He also started lifting weights. When basketball season started a lot of people went out for it. A lot of them were really good, but Jerimiha had confidence he was going to be the best. In practice the coach was really impressed by him. Jerimha made A team at the shooting guard. He became really popular and met a girl he liked. He hung out with her for awhile and decided to ask her on a date. The next day at practice he felt really good about himself and did really good. As the season started they lost their first game and he was mad and in courage him to work harder. The next game was against his former school. He scored 16 points and had 12 assists. His team won 52 to 39. They made the playoffs ending their season with 18 wins and 2 loses. They mad it to the Championship game and it was against and undeafted team. Jerimiha had to guard the best player. At the end of the first quarter Jerimiha’s team was losing 23 to 14. Nobody on his team was doing well. And after the end of the second quarter the were losing 33 to 21. Jerimiha knew he had to hurry up and make a difference and at the end of the third quarter he had 12 points and 7 assists. They were still losing 46 to 38 but Jerimiha had confidence that they were going to win. As he stepped on to the court for the fourth quarter he had a feeling in his gut that he was going to do something great. They came back and were only down by 2 with 2.3 seconds left it was enough time to pass and shoot. Jerimiha’s team had the ball. They passed it to the point guard and he passed it straight to Jerimiha he shot at the buzzer and drilled it. He was a hero. Everybody charged the court. After he graduated the school made a plaque with his name on it and hung it in the gym. Nobody will forget what Jerimiha did for his school.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
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Well Nathan this is a very good piece written by a very wise intellegent person. You did a good job explaining this story and it was quite inspirational. Some things you could add are what the plaque was for and the job his mother had. It was good overall and you should definately keep it in your project.
ReplyDeleteGood job Nate! The story was very interesting. I don't think that his moms job would be an important detail to add, and it is obvious what the plaque was about. I do think you should check over some spelling and grammar, they were not bad but just to make it better. You should continue this story because you have a really good start. =D
ReplyDeleteI really like this piece. You might want to add some more about that girl that he liked and the plaque. It tells a great story and is well written. You might want to go over it again and fix some mechanical errors and spelling. But overall this is a really good piece or writing.
ReplyDeleteI like this piece. I think you described everything in clear and simple way. You might want to some of your mech. errors. I agree with Sabastian(: that you could add more about the girl. That way you could have something for both guys and girls. Basketball for the boys and a little love story for girls. Overall, I liked it! -The Red Writer
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